not nothing

~'Running up that hill' by Placebo. i know i know- Kate Bush did it first and best, but their version is truly stimulating. i first heard it on 'CSI: Las Vegas'…and i effing hate that show…but there's an end scene where jorga fox (cool chick) lets her face just own everything and it gives me chills.

~You Can't Take it With You because the title seems apropos today and it's a goofy tale with some sweet performances. Anarchism, false arrest, consumerism, eccentricities? a true feel-gooder.

~"You've got a great set of gams, Hairgrove" -my chiro dude. thanks doc!

hi gang-

not going to lay any exercise copy on you. i relay the above quote because it felt good to hear that. i've taken stock of my stuff and it ain't bad. i don't need anyone to tell me that, but it sure felt nice to hear it. once in a while, i like to be reminded. a great number of readers have emailed me with stories about how cancer (yes, there it is AGAIN. the other C word) does a number on your confidence level. on the one hand, we feel like awesome victors with unparalleled tolerance, and on the other hand…unappealing wastes of space.

i've been freelancing for this pretty remarkable guy who invents and fabricates prosthetic limbs. i've interviewed about 15 of his patients and their stories are our stories: lose a part of your body >> feel inadequate and embarrassed. you can't help it. all the logic and well-meaning advice-givers tell you about how it's a badge, it's what makes you unique blah blah blah. there are other ways to display my uniqueness.

i've had any number of people say I shouldn't be so concerned since, with clothes on (and a padded bra and only the right kinds of "careful" shirts) you could never tell i've had a mastectomy. to someone such as me who is tremendously sensual by nature and loves skin-on-skin and intimacy…looking decent in your clothes is only part of the situation. it's a horribly personal and sensitive issue. don't get me wrong, i'm the first to shout out my good fortune, but…i miss my breast. that's just the truth. i'm getting a lot better about missing it and maybe someday, someone will look at me and just love no matter what it looks like. if i ever have the courage to let anyone in.

again, i don't require that kind of confirmation, but just like the long legs comment, it helps lift my spirit and that can't be anything but a good thing.

just for today, and at this moment, i know i'm not unbeautiful.